I'm trying to be mature about this. Really, I am.
I know I should be logical. I know all the facts. I only have a couple assignments left. I'm going home in sixteen days. I'm in a wonderful, cultured city.
But sometimes the rational side of the argument does nothing. I know all of this. And I'm still struggling here. It's so hard to watch everyone leave and return home while you are still in a little cocoon of overwhelming loneliness. I'm jealous. I know this doesn't do anything but I can't help it. I'm jealous of the person who left this program early. I'm jealous of all of my friends who are done with finals and gallivanting around Europe. I'm jealous of my friends who have returned home. I'm jealous of my family for being able to be around each other.
How do I come to terms with this? This person, this lonely, jealous person isn't me. I just want to feel like myself again. I'm trying. A part of me does want to be here. But a bigger part of me has checked out mentally. Done done done. I think because I don't have an outlet or a support system I'm emotionally drained. I'm not letting anything out. And, okay, let's be honest here, I am a very private person. Writing about my problems studying abroad is a HUGE step for me. And I guess it gives me somewhat of an outlet. But, as corny as this may sound, all I need is a hug right now. And I just can't get that.
I've said this before but I just want to reiterate the fact that I do not want to come off as being overly-dramatic. Because, well this is the way I feel. And this is the best I can do at articulating my feelings. I just don't know how I am going to do this. Everyday feels so long even though I'm not doing anything productive, or sometimes even fun. I've been trying to take it one day at a time but this ache never really goes away. How can I fix myself?
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